Take me, for instance. I'm not normally a really pessimistic person, but sometimes I just feel like shit. Sometimes, one wonders if the effort they put into things is really worth it, when some of those same things burn and fail, like a laughing malevolent fate denying your thoughts, and showing you how dumb you really are. That, however, is but a hyperbole. Luckily, I am not, by far not, in straits as desperate as those. And although the matter is not so grim, some things, such as the case here at present, can make ones such as I a bit, sad.
"What is it," You think, "What is it that Charles has to make him sad?" The answer is simple, and actually, quite common. A bad test score. Surely, such a thing, although troublesome, and annoying is of no great danger, nor worry, but the fact of its existence provokes thoughts otherwise left at the wayside. For it is not singular, in being a score of ill-repute, but has brethren of a similiar nature, and comes from an identical space. *sigh*
A year from now, in order to enter into my chosen major of Civil Engineering here at Penn State, there are several classes I need to both take, and pass with at least a grade of C. These classes, Calculus I & II, Chemistry, and physics, are not easy classes to pass, but neither did I expect them to be easy, nor did I expect that to easily pass them, however I did not doubt that I would. This past fall, I took two of these very classes, the primary Calculus, and the Chemistry course. I had previously been taught both of these subjects at a level similar to that of the university, but with a much slower pace. I had my foreknowledge, and my optimism that with these tools and some effort, I would be able to pass both. However, as time progressed onwards at a brisk pace, my confidence, in line with my scores became uneasy. I thought it would be prudent, at that time, to drop the classes, and retake them again instead of risking not passing one, or both of them. So I thought, and that was the course of action I took. Now I am not so sure it was worth it.
I have been retaking both of those classes this spring, along with others of my choosing. Overall, I had been progressing well, and looked to be on the fast track to passing all of my classes, and doing well for myself. Up until now, that is. This past Monday I took the second calculus exam of the semester. I had studied for days prior to it, and had taken numerous pre-tests for it. These tests, for the most part, had been copies of prior exams from the semester, and year beforehand. I passed all of them with relative ease, and a surplus of time. I knew that previously though, although I had felt confident, I did not do as well as expected. To combat this, I reviewed everything, again and again after each test, and did my best to make my knowledge of the test material as keen as I could. I entered the testing area, carefully took it, and reviewed all my answers before turning in my exam. I felt confident, but had an underlying dread. This same confidence had not served me well before, and it served me just as badly then.
For the next several days , I eagerly awaited getting an email that would provide me with what my final grade total for the exam was. I checked my email each morning that I woke up, and in the evening waiting to see how well I had done. This continued until Friday, at which point I figured I would relax some for the weekend. Today is Saturday. On checking my email some short time ago, I saw that the score was in, opened the message, looked at, looked at it again, looked at it once more, and quite quickly my mood plummeted to a more dismal outlook. "Oh," I thought, "Well… isn't that just great? Spend all that time and effort for a D? Really? REALLY?! Great.. Great… studied for days, took those practice exams.. this…" my thoughts continued on that vein for a length of time, with me holding my head in my hands, repeating those words of my preparation and wondering. I wondered, that even with such effort, and such a low score, if engineering is really the right major I should be considering. I only have a year to choose, less I be delayed, and if I cannot pass just the first calculus course, despite the fact that I enjoy it, should I spend time pursuing such if all that will result is my failure, and a waste of time?
With such thoughts so prevalent, and opportunity to do other things at the ready, I wonder what choices I will make in the future, and if I will have to choose another major, or even another school or department of majors entire. What are my choices? What are the best options, and how should I pursue them? Currently, such questions interest me.
Engineering, is not the end-all of my goals, but merely a method I chose to implement in order to achieve them. What I wanted to do, when I came here to the University, was to learn, and to experience so that in later years when I go out into the world I can get a job, and start helping people through my work. I want to do something that helps many, while also helping myself through the labour of it, and perhaps through whatever I design or make as well. To be an engineer, to garner and earn the experience and knowledge required to not only design and understand systems, and objects, and machines, but to also be able to work with others and learn best how to cooperate to get things done has a massive amount of potential as far as achieving my goal goes.
However, if I am unable to be an engineer, then I will have to choose a different method, a different type of schooling to learn, and to use. There are many to choose from, yet I am unsure on what options are best. In any scenario, many choices and decisions lay upon the road to my future.
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